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Covert Carnival double-secret agent, checks out Krewe du Vieux - Angus Lind - Times-Picayune - NOLA.com: "'Timing is everything and what's happening in the news -- the passage of Obama's $819 billion stimulus package -- could not have played into their hands any better,' said the unmistakable raspy voice.

'Speaking of time, the clock's running and we haven't much time. Quick, look at this, scribe.'

Mardi Gras Parade Krewe du Vieux

The legendary but oft-bungling covert Carnival double secret agent -- dormant since Carnival past -- handed me a stack of papers indicating that these always ribald, risque and roguish revelers had conjured up their own version of what's in the news: "Krewe du Vieux Releases Its 'Stimulus Package,'" based on sex-based initiatives.

That provocative package will be released Saturday at 6:30 p.m. in a 12,000-step recovery program and parade through the French Quarter and Faubourg Marigny, as the krewe declares moral bankruptcy. Parental discretion is not only advised, it is mandatory -- a kiddie parade this ain't.

"Parade-goers are advised to watch their assets -- it says so right here on this page," Float said. "You can look for them to show their Bare Stearns."

Reigning over the 23rd procession of mule-drawn floats, brass bands and 17 sub-krewes drinking lots of booze is Crooner, Cruise Director and King Frankie Ford, he of "Sea Cruise" fame and Gretna's only Grammy winner.

"These papers we now have in our hands show that the parade is a veritable sea of sexual innuendoes, Scribe, and it's ingenious," Float told me. "Based on what we're seeing, I think on Saturday night you'll see Endowed Jones Averages, the S&M 500 and lots of mutual fun. Here's the skinny on the sub-krewe Mama Roux: They say to invest in stocks and bondage, tie up good investments."

"Float," I replied, "the sub-krewe Drips & Discharges, it appears, has become a newly formed investment spanking firm. They claim to have gotten a jump on the market by creating a binge fund, hoping that people will use it to cover their assets during these troubling times."

"Here's the Krewe of Underwear's plan, Scribe," Float said. "They say the entire country will go into foreclosure and the People's Republic of China will take over the Capitol, coating all the monuments with red lead-based paint. Stimulus checks will thereafter be drawn from China's official state-run bank, WonTon Savings and Loin. On Great Wall Street, the foreclosure news will cause the Mao Jones Industrial Average to fall 669 points.

"Look," he continued, "there's Underwear's float. It looks like Uncle Sam is going down a toilet. You know, this is our second worst economy in history, but there ain't nothing so bad that you can't make fun of it. This krewe just wants to, uh, stimulate people into having fun at Mardi Gras, that's all."

"Float, see these caveman costumes?" I asked. "It appears the Krewe of C.R.U.D.E. is going back in time and giving in to their sub-primal urges. And they're scrapping mules in favor of their float being pulled by unemployed bankers."

"No fluff in this naughty parade, Scribe. The stars always seem to align for them. They picked this stimulus package theme a long time ago. And, like one of their members said, 'Even the president is talking about us. It's strange how we get this publicity.'¤"

Rumors that the president is in the parade could not be confirmed or denied.

Columnist Angus Lind can be reached at alind@timespicayune.com "

More of their Stimulus plans are revealed on the Krewe du Vieux website:

Reflecting national trends, Krewe du Vieux is wheeling and dealing with its own brand of economic incompetence. On February 7th, KdV will roll out its own STIMULUS PACKAGE that includes substantial “Investments in Stocks & Bondage” and a bailout plan for “D&D Cock Market Investment Spankers.” In a “Salute to Trickle Down Economics” Krewe du Vieux’s crack economic team, advised by the investment firm of “Schmeckel and Shekel’s Foreskins and Foreclosures,” promises to “Extend the Guard” and “Go Down With Uncle Sam.”